Breaking the news of divorce to young children
It’s the last thing any parent wants; telling your child that Mom and Dad aren’t going to be together anymore and the family (as they know it) is changing.
What’s the right strategy? How much should you share? What are the dos and don’ts?
Divorce is a big concept to children – even to most adults. Breaking the news of divorce to children can be a challenging and emotional task. It's essential to approach this conversation with empathy, sensitivity, and care.
Help at hand
- If possible, both parents should prepare for the conversation together. Discuss what you'll say, how you'll say it and anticipate potential questions or reactions from your children.
- Find a quiet, comfortable, and private place to have this conversation where you can give your children your full attention. Avoid discussing it during a heated argument and definitely not in a public place like a restaurant.
- Use age-appropriate language to explain the situation. Keep the message clear and straightforward without blaming each other. Say something like, "Mom and Dad have decided to live separately."
- Emphasise that the divorce is not their fault. Children often blame themselves, so reassure them that this decision has nothing to do with them and that you both still love them very much.
- Let your children express their feelings, thoughts, and questions. Be patient and open to their reactions, which may include anger, sadness, confusion or even relief.
- Pay close attention to what your children are saying and feeling. Validate their emotions and let them know that it's okay to be upset.
Age-appropriateness
You will need to answer questions and tailor your responses to match your child's level of understanding and maturity. This means providing information that is both accurate and sensitive to your child's developmental stage, cognitive abilities, and emotional needs. In this way, you can ensure that your child is able to comprehend and process the information without feeling overwhelmed or confused.
Whether discussing complex topics like divorce or more straightforward matters, adapting your communication style to your child's age fosters a supportive and respectful environment, encouraging open dialogue and trust between adults and children.
Keep adult issues, reasons for the divorce and blame out of the conversation. Children don't need to know the intimate details of your relationship problems. Reiterate your commitment to co-parenting and working together to support them. Assure them that both parents will still be involved in their lives.
Consistency and routine
Children thrive on consistency. Assure your children that despite the changes, some things will remain the same. Stick to routines and schedules as much as possible to provide stability. Be dependable in your communication and actions after the initial conversation. Keep the lines of communication open and regularly check in with your children about how they feel.
When to get professional help?
Watch for concerning signs and don’t be afraid to get professional help, if possible. It can really help the family as a whole to attend therapy or counselling sessions during this tough time.
- If you or your children are experiencing persistent and intense emotions such as depression, anxiety, anger, or overwhelming sadness that disrupt your daily functioning, it's a strong indicator that you may need professional help.
- Are your kids acting up? Unable to sleep? Struggling at school? Watch for these behavioural changes and be proactive in finding solutions.
- It’s possible that children might regress in their development, manifesting behaviours that are typical of younger ages, such as bedwetting, thumb-sucking or clinging to you.
- If communication and cooperation between you and your co-parent are consistently problematic and it's impacting your children's wellbeing, a family therapist or mediator could be necessary to play the peacemaker.
- If your relationship with your child has become strained or there is a noticeable change in your child's attachment to you or the other parent, speak to a professional to help rebuild trust and improve communication.
Getting professional help is a brave step toward ensuring the wellbeing of yourself and your children during and after a divorce. Therapists, counsellors, and family mediators can provide guidance and tools to process emotions and work towards healthier family dynamics. The right time to seek professional help varies for each family, but it's generally advisable to consider it when the challenges become too overwhelming to manage effectively on your own.
Disclaimer
This article is for informational purposes only. Always check with your doctor or medical practitioner about any health concerns, before embarking on any fitness or nutrition programme, or using any medication.